The Errant Cinephile and her Vocal Hostage

Good day all,

Well I’ve wriggled free again to let you know about a film I should have loved. Take everything I said about La Dolce Vita and think the exact opposite. All kinds of stuff happens, but it’s terribly acted and looks like they threw a few hundred bucks into it. The opening scene of this movie sums up my response perfectly; fade in to simulated, missionary sex in a graveyard (girl in bra, but a wonderful omen) and it’s followed up with a spectacularly realistic anal probing with a Roto-Rooter. I was right with it every step of the way, and then it hit that decency line (which is pretty far out there for me) and proceeds to skip merrily past the line while flipping the bird and mumbling something about your mom. Inbred, Welsh hicks watching the serious, but morally corrupt reporter (who you know is gearing down about two seconds after you meet her) having very public sex with the dreamy cameraman; booyah, I’m down. Showing the money shot dribble down the wall while the rest of the crew ambles in, no. I’m no Puritan,  but no.  But I don’t want to ruin the dramatic ending, so lets get specific about unspecifics.

Ladies. Brief nudity and simulated sex a few times and a crudeness that gave this radiator ornament a moment of pause. The women in this film really don’t bring much, I mean, even the reporter who is supposed to fit the role of plucky woman that finds herself through the ordeal is vapid and stupid and just, no. I want you ladies to know that I’m down with this whole, womens’ lib thing, and I won’t even push you into a bear pit, so this film just offered no women I would consider attractive. There are some hot ladies fellas, but none that notch up to that attractive level (you know, you enjoy the conversation the next morning). There’s boob, but there’s even something wrong about that. Ladies, can I get you over at camera three for a PSA:

Hello ladies, thanks for stopping by. I want you to imagine me making eye contact with you and speaking in a very rhythmic, soothing yet confident voice. I appreciate that some of you had dads that missed various events and that you choose to augment certain elements of your physical appearance (for those of you that do it because you genuinely feel sexier, booyah), but please do so responsibly. Talk to your surgeon about a realistic look, especially when bouncing passionately. And don’t forget nipple sensitivity; you have some quack hit a nerve and that baby’s dead forever, and I think we can all agree that everyone appreciates the upside of sensitive nipples. Consider scars, and where they’ll be and then, finally, look in the mirror and feel beautiful.

Sorry about that fellas, I had to drop a troofbomb on the ladies there. Again, the ladies are hot but there an ugliness about them that greatly diminishes the pure joy of seeing them naked.

Gore. When it goes for gore it goes for the gusto, and I will say the gore effects were solid. That is the only production value compliment afforded, because, really, your aliens look like Howard the Duck and Predator had a retarded offfspring (clinical term, don’t kill the messenger) and they were pissed about existing. At times they take down an inbred hick with mad precision and, at others, they fall into each other and kill themselves. Seriously, a dozen soccer hooligans take out the entire alien threat (which converts to twenty-one shiv-ready hobos for all you non-metric folk). They were brutal and messy and really seemed to be trying, but they just aren’t scary. This movie was trying really hard to be Dead Alive (Braindead), but just goes too far in trying to be grossout/sexy to really work. Watch Braindead instead, seriously.

Well folks I’m going to start tapping a little Morse Code on the walls and floor, a cracker’s gotta keep out hope, and keep watching this stuff until Cruella DeVille on the other page gets bored and kills me. At least this one had boobies and that’s almost never a bad thing (see Polanski’s Macbeth, re: old ass naked witches) and more than just talking. You gotta see the bright side. Worth seeing if you love bad horror, and I do, but not for anyone else.

Until I gnaw through the zip ties again,

The Hostage

~ by stew37 on November 26, 2010.

Posted in Comedy, Horror