Evil Aliens: Bodily Fluids Abound
I need to start this review with a caveat: I love bad movies. Really, really bad movies. MST3K level bad (or Rifftrax now – quick shoutout to the Troll 2 Rifftrax. Hilarious!). Especially bad horror movies. I can’t explain why I won’t sit through a second of Ron Howard-esque emotional manipulation, but I’ll pay to see Dead Silence in the theatre. I never seem to consider that time wasted, no matter how ridiculous the story or stupid the characters.
Keep that in mind as I go through Jake West’s Evil Aliens (2005).
Synopsis: A disreputable cable show investigating the faux world of the weird receives information regarding a UFO sighting, and goes to film blah blah blah… does it matter? There are aliens and they’re evil. That’s basically what you need to know.
This movie is very difficult to encapsulate briefly, mostly because it’s a bit batshit insane. To get an idea of what I’m referring to, here are a few of the notes I scribbled while watching it:
Worst. Anal probe scene. Ever.
Satanists! Alien Satanists? Oh, Satanist hillbillies. Nope, incestuous Satanist hillbillies. (sidebar: when I said “alien Satanists?” during the movie, my hostage aptly pointed out, “well, they are evil aliens.”)
Sexy alien stripper dream – 3 boobies!
Are the stones of Avebury known for their wish-granting power?
Semen! Unnecessary!
Pulsating brains hooked up to electrodes are never good.
If the aforementioned lines make you feel revulsion or roll your eyes, you will hate this movie. If, on the other hand, what you read made you giggle or intrigued you (sicko), then you’ll probably find some entertainment value in this flick. This pseudo-recommendation reminds me of when I wanted to go see City of the Living Dead, and thought that the best way to entice people to join me was to rave about the fact that a woman VOMITS UP HER OWN INTESTINES!! Strangely, this was not the selling point I thought it was. Thankfully I was able to locate one kindred spirit as intrigued as I was in witnessing the debacle (and it was gloriously, disgustingly worth it – check out the scene here and marvel at the fact that this woman was willing to ingest warm sheep entrails in order to get the shot. That’s commitment to your craft!).
However, unlike City of the Living Dead, this movie is trying to do more than just gross you out. It is really trying to make you laugh. Can I stress trying? I’m not being fair; it is successful at times. West clearly had his tongue firmly in cheek when he goes for the obviously-paper-plate UFO. And these are likely the most inept group of aliens ever to master space travel; two (TWO!) manage to knock themselves out by running into various objects, like a tree branch. Seriously. The aliens look like their masks are attached with duct tubing, and they wandered out in their black pajamas. The problem is that all these things are funny for the wrong reasons. Or, if you’re me, the right reasons, but not the intended ones. Evil Aliens is trying so hard to be Braindead, but it’s more Poultrygiest: Night of the Chicken Dead (a movie title much better than the movie itself).
There’s some good gore, a few laughs, and more than a few repulsive moments. If that sounds like your bag, this movie probably is.
Favourite Scene: Are you kept up at night, tossing and turning over who would win in a battle: aliens vs. incestuous hillbillies (astronauts vs. cavemen)? Toss no more.
Key Quote: “Nobody fucks with a UFO enthusiast!”
Best Kill: The second most disturbing impaling I’ve ever seen (#1 goes to Cannibal Holocaust. *shudder*)
K. Harker
stew37
The Errant Cinephile and her Vocal Hostage 